Joy and Pain

Do you remember longing to be a mom? I do. I vividly remember dreaming about the day my husband and I would become parents. I was so excited and hopeful at the adventures we would have as parents and the kids we would bring into the world. When we finally became pregnant I felt nothing but joy. Pregnancy with my oldest boy was literally one of the happiest seasons of my life. I just felt so blessed to be given the opportunity to be a mom.

I never imagined how something so joyful could also be something so frightening. The first time my heart broke as a mom was when the hospital instructed us that A would need to be in in the bilirubin light because he was a little jaundice. It wasn’t a big deal. He was sleeping most of the time anyway. But then he cried and cried for his mommy to hold him and they told me he really had to stay in the light unless he was feeding or being changed. My heart broke. I felt so powerless. My baby was so upset and I couldn’t do anything to make him better other than try to hold his hand and talk to him so he knew I was still there. Little did I know this was the first of many heart breaking moments to come.

I know if you’re a parent, no matter how old your child is, you have too felt this horrible feeling of your heart breaking for your child. No one warned me about these moments. But then again, no amount of words would have ever prepared me for the times that my boys are hurt and all I can do is hold them and let them know “mommy is here”.

The truth is parenting isn’t all tickles and giggles. There are many hard moments, hard decisions, and lots of worrying. I never knew my heart could break so many times for someone (and he’s only 2 years old). I worry about all the hard times we will face as he grows but I believe that there will be so many celebrations, joyous moments, smiles and laughs that will make the painful moments all worth it.

I’m sorry mom and dad for all the times I caused you pain because you were worried, couldn’t fix what hurt, or you felt helpless. I guess this is payback right? I always knew how much you love me and how you’d do anything for me. A parent’s love for their child(ten) is truly unconditional.